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I haven't exactly been a ball of joy, melvin

Apr. 13th, 2006 08:22 pm

it's rough not seeing my boy everyday. especially now. we got hitched april 5. i love him....but i'm scared.

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Feb. 16th, 2006 07:39 pm ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

20 days!

it sucks though, bambi can't even go home. he has to do the independent living thing after all. he has to do therapy before he can go home. this ruins my plans of staying the night with him. we always talked about how nice it would be to wake up to eachother. i'm just glad i'll be able to see him. to kiss him after 5 months. i might actually have to marry the guy. have his kids.

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Feb. 12th, 2006 06:29 pm

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.
You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you

Your flirting style: friendly and sweet

What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance

Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

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Feb. 12th, 2006 06:20 pm

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!


Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!


Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.


Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.

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Jan. 6th, 2006 05:21 pm Someone's Missing in My Life

   Two more months. That's all. If I can just stick it out and force myself to be okay, it'll all work out.
His mothers been calling me. That's made me happy. The Deere family invited me to X-mas dinner! I didn't go though, I had the flu. But it made me feel so good to know that they're letting me be a part of his life. I love him so much and it would hurt if his family didn't want me around.
   New Yers Eve was crappy. My Father and I had a huge fight. He pratically threatened me. We arem not on speaking terms. We don't even look at eachother. I told my mom I wanted my $ asap because I couldn't do it anymore. It was so alone. I lost it. Made holes in the walls. Bruised my hands. I 'Reverted' as Bambi would say. I had a breakdown. Let my instincts take over. Went straight to aspirin. Then used my pencil on my arm. Ah, the good ol' days.... I cried and cried.... I'm closer to my decison. There are less and less rerasons to stay here. More and more to leave. But I don't want to run anymore. If I run to Wichita will I be running away? Or will I be running towards something? Towards a whole new life with someone who actually saw me more clearly than I ever saw myself? And will he still love me after 5 months apart? What if he realizes that I'm not that great? I told him what a wreck I can be, but he said it didn't matter that he would love me no matter what. But people always say that. You mean it at the time but things change. People change. Have I changed? For the good or for the bad? I dunno. I just know that I miss him. And it feels like a piece of me is missing.


   Speaking on missing people.... I miss u too, Noodlz. But I need to stick to my decision. It's best for us both. I told you from the begining. I hold grudges and though I'm not mad at you, it still hurts. Remembering everything that was said. By you and by me. We were both assholes, and lost our tempers. We bring out the bad in eachother. And as helpless and hopeless as I've been feeling....I don't I can handle more heartache. Though it's been soo hard not to call you or visit you. Sometimes i jst need to hear to your voice.... I'll always love you, you know. I just can't be around you right now. I' sorry. Please understand.

   I miss juju. I feel like she doesn't care about us(me, kori etc..) anymore.  I know she's busy with work and all but... I feel like she hadsn't made an effort I'm sorry she's sick. I hate that she's ill, but this how we have felt for months now.  She's not a part of us anymore.  We don't even know Mark. Kori's never met him and it's been a year. When I was with Eric I made an effort to bring the people I loved most in the world together and still spent almost everyday with him AND went to both jobs. I don't know maybe I'm just weird. But she knows his friends and he doesn't know hers. Why? Have we done something wrong? Are we no longer good enough? Or is it just time to move on? I hope not, because she's the last person I thought I would say goodbye to... I just miss you. And hope you feel better.

Progress report: I'm missing you to death





Love you


Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Fireflies- Finch

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Dec. 15th, 2005 11:32 pm

You fit in with:

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

40% spiritual.
80% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

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Nov. 22nd, 2005 03:35 pm empty

   I was called by the investigator, his name is Chad. He asked me to go and see him so I can sign something saying how I never had sex with Dale and that we didn't strat a relationship until he was 18. he had all my letters, and notes. he knew all the dates. I was already planning on being honest but it caught me off guard. So I'm not going ot jail, but if I heard correctly- Dale won't be given any of my letters any more. Because that would be condoning our retionship. So I don't know if this means I won't be recieving mail from him also. We can't talk, we can't see one another, and NOW we can't even write. To top it all of, Chad said he told Dlae he would let him call me. But that hasn't happened, though in reality, I didn't honestly think it would happen. Why? He owes us nothing. So now we'll go three months without any communication. And I feel like dying. Can I make it that long without him? What if I give up? What if I don't love him like I thought? How can I be wrong? I never felt this way about anyone. Not this strongly. Have I? I'm so confused right now, and lonely, and miserable without him. Myrnas phone is shut off so I can't even talk to his parents. How can I enjoy my birthday knowing that I'm not going to hear from him again until March 8? I guess all I can do is sit here and dream about our future. We're getting married where the Aztecs vacationed, then off to New York and our life together. We'll work it out, I know. 'Cuz he won't let me go, and I won't let him.

  I can't eat any more. I try but everything I look at makes me sick. I eat once a day, force myself, drink lots of water, eat gramh crackers and think about how sad I am. Can a person live like this for three months? Is this better than being a compulsive eater? At least I won't be 300lbs when he's released. That's something I guess. This off and on binging isn't good for me I know. But what is a girl to do on the verge of a nervous breakdown? "The sky is tired of seeing the rain fall..." But still it rains and and I forget that "it can't rain all the time." I just miss him so much.


Even after all this time the Sun never says to the Earth "you owe me."

Look what happens with a love like that-

Lights up the world.


Current Mood: crushedcrushed

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Nov. 22nd, 2005 02:47 pm a poem

Love Outta Nowhere
November 1, 2005
You came outta nowhere-
or maybe I did
–saying as how you had been
where you had been for over a year.
Maybe I mean:
you came in from nowhere-
drilled a hole into my heart-
drilled a hole into my heart-
and filled it with yourself.
This love came outta nowhere-
or somewhere I guess-
‘cuz it DID fill me gradually
the way a river or a natural pond are made.
Does that make sense?
‘cuz I’ve realized that nothing does these days-
-especially love-
but I guess nothing ever did.

‘Cuz how can love like this make sense-
and come outta nowhere so suddenly-
come from somewhere-
come to us where love is not allowed-
where this love is not allowed?
Behind a barbed wire fence-
behind politics and dining room walls?
3, 4 years your senior-
I wasn’t supposed to trust you-
let alone love you-
-but I did despite my better judgment.
Because you came outta nowhere-
with honesty and a way of being tough,
though sensitive, yes, sensitive too-
how long was I to say “no, go away?”
And it wasn’t the poem you gave me-
the one with the drawing of a rose-
-though it Ws very diabolical of you-
saying as how I told you I like creative guys.

This love that came from somewhere-
came before that-
though had you asked I would have denied it-
-5 MORE months-
‘Cuz this love that came outta nowhere
came from somewhere where love is not allowed-
where our love was not allowed-
where sex in closets is quietly allowed-
where illegal things are quietly allowed-
where blackmail, lies, and gossip is quietly allowed.
But love?
no, not love pure and simple-
‘cuz you loved me pure and simple-
and eventually I loved you pure and simple-
and simply pure.
I mean this love came outta nowhere
gaining my trust, gaining my friendship,
and eventually my love.

You came outta nowhere-
melding your heart with mine-
despite my better judgment I let you-
-‘cuz you never tried to touch me-
or looked at me like I was just a “ho” for you to fill.
So I hugged you outta nowhere-
to thank you for being you-
to thank you for loving me-
and showing me that I could love you, too-
-though this love was not allowed.
And I kissed you outta nowhere-
where our love was not allowed-
where it would never be allowed-
-only our pain would be allowed.
And came that bullshit-
that tried to keep us far apart-
he tried to tear us apart
if we didn’t do as he said-
-but that wasn’t outta nowhere-
‘cuz we knew that it might happen.

So the plan was for one of us to leave-
you were supposed to leave-
-so outta nowhere I gave in-
gave in to the passion that grew
out of months of longing.
Outta nowhere torn apart-
because our love was not allowed-
only his lies were allowed-
and this fucking heartache was allowed.
You came outta nowhere-
and made me love you where love is not allowed-
only these tears are things allowed-
only this despair and sadness are things allowed-
-well, fuck rules, you know?
You came outta nowhere-
where love was not allowed-
but it was there, nevertheless-
and I wish you had come sooner.

Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: moscas en la casa- shakira

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Nov. 18th, 2005 02:35 pm Inner child

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.
Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

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Nov. 18th, 2005 02:31 pm undies & what they say about you/me

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not!

You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

Current Mood: boredbored

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