|Jan. 6th, 2006 05:21 pm Someone's Missing in My Life|
Two more months. That's all. If I can just stick it out and force myself to be okay, it'll all work out.
His mothers been calling me. That's made me happy. The Deere family invited me to X-mas dinner! I didn't go though, I had the flu. But it made me feel so good to know that they're letting me be a part of his life. I love him so much and it would hurt if his family didn't want me around.
New Yers Eve was crappy. My Father and I had a huge fight. He pratically threatened me. We arem not on speaking terms. We don't even look at eachother. I told my mom I wanted my $ asap because I couldn't do it anymore. It was so alone. I lost it. Made holes in the walls. Bruised my hands. I 'Reverted' as Bambi would say. I had a breakdown. Let my instincts take over. Went straight to aspirin. Then used my pencil on my arm. Ah, the good ol' days.... I cried and cried.... I'm closer to my decison. There are less and less rerasons to stay here. More and more to leave. But I don't want to run anymore. If I run to Wichita will I be running away? Or will I be running towards something? Towards a whole new life with someone who actually saw me more clearly than I ever saw myself? And will he still love me after 5 months apart? What if he realizes that I'm not that great? I told him what a wreck I can be, but he said it didn't matter that he would love me no matter what. But people always say that. You mean it at the time but things change. People change. Have I changed? For the good or for the bad? I dunno. I just know that I miss him. And it feels like a piece of me is missing.
Speaking on missing people.... I miss u too, Noodlz. But I need to stick to my decision. It's best for us both. I told you from the begining. I hold grudges and though I'm not mad at you, it still hurts. Remembering everything that was said. By you and by me. We were both assholes, and lost our tempers. We bring out the bad in eachother. And as helpless and hopeless as I've been feeling....I don't I can handle more heartache. Though it's been soo hard not to call you or visit you. Sometimes i jst need to hear to your voice.... I'll always love you, you know. I just can't be around you right now. I' sorry. Please understand.
I miss juju. I feel like she doesn't care about us(me, kori etc..) anymore. I know she's busy with work and all but... I feel like she hadsn't made an effort I'm sorry she's sick. I hate that she's ill, but this how we have felt for months now. She's not a part of us anymore. We don't even know Mark. Kori's never met him and it's been a year. When I was with Eric I made an effort to bring the people I loved most in the world together and still spent almost everyday with him AND went to both jobs. I don't know maybe I'm just weird. But she knows his friends and he doesn't know hers. Why? Have we done something wrong? Are we no longer good enough? Or is it just time to move on? I hope not, because she's the last person I thought I would say goodbye to... I just miss you. And hope you feel better.
Progress report: I'm missing you to death
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