I haven't exactly been a ball of joy, melvin
|Oct. 27th, 2005 01:12 pm REVERTING TO MY OLD WAYS|
I FEEL LIKE I DID IN HIGH SCHOOL. LIKE MY WORLD IS FALLING APART AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS CRY. I'M MORE ALONE THAN EVER BEFORE.
SO I HAVE BEEN "FIRED", OR SO THE RUMOR GOES. OFFICIALLY I'VE BEEN WRITTEN DOWN AS QUITTING. MY LAST DAY WAS OCTOBER 12. THAT WAS MY LAST DAY OF CONTENTMENT. OCTOBER 13, MY HEART BROKE, AND I FELT LIKE DYING. B CALLED ME AND SAID THAT BAMBI AND I WERE BEING INVESTIGATED AGAIN AND HARMON SAID TO FIRE ME. I WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED BACK INSISDE THE GATES. I COULD BE ARRESTED AND CONSIDERED A SEX OFFENDER! SO SHE COVERED FOR ME AND SAID I HAD ALREADY PUT IN MY NOTICE. IF SHE HADN'T I WOULD BE LOCKED UP RIGHT NOW OR DEAD, 'CUZ I'D RATHER DIE THAN GO THROUGH THAT. I CAN'T SEE HIM....AND IT KILLS ME. NO HUGS, OR KISSES. I JUST WANT TO HEAR HIS VOICE. EVERYONE KNOWS I MISS HIM, BUT THEY DON'T SEE ME SLOWLY ROTTING AWAY INSIDE. I PRETEND TO BE OKAY, 'CUZ I'M SURE EVERY ONE'S TIRED OF MY DRAMA, BUT .... IT'S TAKING EVERY OUNCE OF STRENGTH I HAVE NOT TO CRY. IT'S THURSDAY AND I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE LAST SATURDAY. I HATE THIS. GOD'S CRUEL JOKE. FALL IN LOVE, BUT YOU CAN'T BE WITH HIM.
I GAVE UP ERIC FOR HIM, LOST EBBEN, AND NOW I CAN'T EVEN SEE HIM. HE WAS THE MAIN REASON I WAS GETIING BY WITHOUT ERIC. SO YOU GUYS HAVE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY I'M STILL TALKING TO ERIC. WHY I MISS ERIC. I CAN'T LOSE ALL THREE OF THEM. I JUST CAN'T.... I JUST WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW... 'CUZ I DID DIE.... I'M SORRY. I'LL BE OKAY, I JUST CAN'T SLEEP ANY MORE. I'M GIVING IN TO THIS LONELINESS. I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO BE OKAY. JUST TIRED OF EVERYTHING.
THE INEVESTIGATION IS OVER. I'M HOME FREE, BUT I CAN'T SEE HIM AND SO IT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, EBBENS AUTOPSY SAYS HE DIDN'T DRWON. NO WATER IN HIS LUNGS, THE DECAY AROUND HIS EYES ISN'T CONSISTANT WITH ROTTING IN THE WATER, BUT IN OPEN AIR. SO HE WAS DUMPED LIKE I THOUGHT. THE FBI WILL BE TAKING OVER. HOPEFULLY THE KBI AND THE TOPEKA POLICE DEPT, IS SCREWED FOR TRYING TO COVER THINGS UP. EVERYTHING WILL COME OUT IN THE END. EVERYTHING, AND EVERYONE WILL BE PUNISHED.
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Current Music: FUNDEMENTALLY LOATHSOME-MM
|Oct. 5th, 2005 05:39 pm it wouldn't be life without drama|
Eric and I broke up. Every one knows this. We broke up partially because of a boy, whom I affectionately refer to as BAMBI. How was I to keep it from happening? Yes, I could've had him fired but I'm not that mean. And I could've asked him to quit but I didn't think his feelings were real. I thought I was stronger. That I would never fall for this boy and his decalrations of love. But how was I to keep from falling in love with him when he was always there? Always made me laugh? Always lent a hand? He bacame a close friend. Then I almost lost him and I realized I needed him more than I thought. Eric and I weren't meant to be, I always knew that. He'll never forgive me no matter how much he says he's over it. I'm sorry but why should i deny myself this chance at love? Bambi loves me. I love him. We're risking it all. You all know the story.
We are being blackmailed. Ish saw us together at work- he didn't see us touching, just talking in the corner. his suspicions were confirmed, Bambi and I had feelings for each other. So he decided to use that to his advantage. He had been on Bambi to get back into contraband, but he refused out of love for me. He wanted to be good for me. But Ish told him that if he didn't work for him he would tell on us. And he told bambi to get me to bring stuff in. So we did waht we had to do. We told the boss everything. She wasn't mad, she didn't yell (I thank Ebben for that- I feel like he was watching over me). Bambi decided it was best if he went to Larned. This way he would be away and no one could see us together. We could write freely, I could visit, he could call. And when he is released I can be there without fear of repercussions. Ms. B said if he left then I didn't have to quit because I would no longer be breaking the law. So if I'm depressed and ready to jump in front of a semi- you'll know why. It's because when I go back to work on saturday, he might not be there.
It's fuuny how life works. I went years without any second glances from any one. Then suddenly there's Eric. And then- out of nowhere- boom! This annoying 17/18 year old boy/man shows up and turns my newly happy (though far from perfect) wolrd upside down. I could get fired. My family might not understand- I'm sure my friends think I'm insane. But I wouldn't change it for the world.
Bambi has all the good qualities ERic had, except I have never wanted to be as honest with someone as I am with him. We talk about every thing. And he makes me feel like I'm enough for him. Eric always made me feel like he needed more from me, more than I was ready or willing to give. Bambi accepts me. I told him I never got a second glance until Eric, he said "I never gave you a second glance because I never looked away". How can a girl say "no" to that? Especially a hopeless romantic like me?
Eric couldn't understand how I could fall for someone I couldn't touch or kiss or hug. But doesn't that mean something? Shouldn't it make us stronger? Because it wouldn't be about sex? or sex stuff? (Because Eric said that was all it was, that Bambi thought he could use me.) Which is what it became with Eric, I didn't feel like talking anymore, I got bored so I always wanted to watch a movie or fool around. Our converstaions had grown stale. It was doomed from the start. I did love him. But I'm a strong believer in "different loves for different stages of lives"; and our time was up, I needed to hit my next stage. Bambi might be only be 18 but he's more a man than Eric will ever allow himself to be. He has a lot of growing up to do, but so do I and Bambi has nothing to do with that. I wish we could be friends, I miss him but he'll never allow that. And I'm tired of his mental abuse. You don't purposely hurt people you love. I don't believe in his "my love is hate" thing. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy, and Bambi is the key to that.
If all goes well, we'll be together in two months (december 8), if not we'll go back to our original plan of waiting til March 8. either way, I'm looking forward to the future, no matter what it brings.
Wish us luck, we'll need it.
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Current Music: She's a Tiger - Lola Ray
|Oct. 5th, 2005 05:01 pm|
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|He Could Be More Than a Hookup|
But you're not really sure what you want him to be.
Sometimes you have fairly serious feelings for him.
If you think there could be more, than go for it.
(Just make sure he wants something more too!)
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|Your Mood Ring is Dark Red|
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